I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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