I'm sorry my penis didn't work
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
tell me about the eggs
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