Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
