I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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