Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
