We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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