i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
