I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
do herpes really smell.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
