I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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