I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
