i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
