I'm laying in your front yard are you home
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
