Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Randomize
