I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Randomize
