mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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