I'd wear matching sweaters with you
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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