im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
