apparently the secret to your success is patron
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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