You're my little dorito
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
