I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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