People with herpes should wear stickers.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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