Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
