i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
