just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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