i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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