If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
