Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize