Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
