i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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