Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
