we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
