just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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