you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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