I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
