A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
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He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
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Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.