Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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