We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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