that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
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Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize