Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
