I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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