When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
