it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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