Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.