I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
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Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.