Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
