my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
