The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
