I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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