matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
