I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
farters have to be the big spoon...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
