You're my little dorito
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
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