After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
