is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
