lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
