Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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