I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
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There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
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You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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