Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
