my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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